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While we talk a lot about workplace bullying and discrimination-based hostile environments, the idea of civility doesn’t often seem to enter these conversations. Yet incivility is really at the core of problems that lead to bullying and discriminatory behaviors, which are prone to escalating. “Workplace incivility is a gateway drug to workplace harassment,” says Society for Human Resource Management CEO Johnny Taylor.
SHRM estimates that U.S. workers encounter more than 171 million acts of incivility a day. That’s an estimated 62.8 billion acts of incivility in a year, with approximately 24.7 billion of those happening in the workplace. It’s a whole lot of incivility, wouldn’t you agree? And many of you likely have experienced uncivil behaviors firsthand.
Civility Here and Now
So, what do we think of when we hear the word “civility”? Is it something we associate with behaviors from a time long ago? For example, do we envision people greeting each other by saying, “Good day; how do you do, Mr. Smith?” accompanied by a slight bow? Such behavior would come across very strangely in today’s environment!
Most commonly, people think of civility as being kind and polite—for example, letting someone in ahead of you in traffic. But civility is more than that. It’s about conducting ourselves in a respectful manner, expressing empathy, having conversations that allow the other person to speak their thoughts— without interruption or argument—and asking questions for understanding before arriving at a judgment. Civility is making others feel comfortable expressing their best or worst ideas and providing a safe and empathetic environment where they know they’re heard and valued. It’s more than just saying good morning or please and thank you, although that’s important. It’s treating each other with respect, regardless of what is going on around us and regardless of whether we like or agree with the other person.
The Rise of Incivility
What are some situations that give rise to incivility? Typically, it’s when egos conflict, when opinions are misunderstood or disagreed with, when someone has had a bad day or just likes to push others around. Conflict is prevalent in our world today, and we can’t get away from it. This causes people to have anxiety, and anxiety gives rise to shortened fuses, misunderstandings and poor communication.
We are surrounded by “reality” television shows that make it acceptable to be mean and rude, to say whatever is on our mind, or to berate others because we find some fault in them. Our fellow humans feel entitled to express harsh opinions on social media behind a veil of anonymity. We have become numb to watching celebrities judge aspiring talents and tear them down, sometimes even to the point of tears, in front of millions of people. Humiliation and rudeness are normalized through this so-called “entertainment.”
Becoming a Civil Workplace
We know that we can’t fix the world, and we can’t fix others regardless of how much we would like to. We can only fix ourselves. As Mahatma Gandhi wisely said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” This is how civility returns to the workplace.
Change happens one person at a time. When someone is uncivil to us, we should respond with decorum and calm defense of our personal boundaries. When others witness our negative interaction with someone else, we want them to walk away saying that we handled the situation well. It’s not fun to think we’ve done something that gives rise to gossip about our poor behavior.
Civil behavior means accepting that not everyone has the skill to behave appropriately in polite society and acting with good manners anyway. However, it’s important to point out that being civil doesn’t mean we have to bow down to someone else’s opinion or their way of thinking. It simply means showing that person regard as a fellow human being, actively listening to their point of view, and responding with questions or empathy, no matter how much we dislike what the other person has done or said.
This polite discourse leads to psychological safety and builds trust. We can appreciate others in a more positive manner, and that, in turn, reinforces our own well-being. Civility also means we understand that everyone—ourselves included—makes mistakes. We have empathy and understanding for our human fragility.
Your Role as an AE
As the chief staff executive at an association, much is expected of you. What are some actionable approaches you can take to improve civility in the workplace? You can think before speaking— in other words, hold the reaction “sauce.” You can consider what is fact versus what is opinion. You can set your ego aside for the greater good. And you can disagree with others in a respectful manner that involves active listening and empathy.
How do you do all this? Maybe it means relearning some behaviors, using phrases such as “help me understand” or “tell me more about that.” Even when we disagree wholeheartedly, we can respond with words such as “That’s an interesting point of view. I’m not sure I agree, but you’ve given me much to think about.” Or we can say, “I’m not sure I agree, but I respect your point of view.”
Approaching disagreeable conversations and uncivil behaviors with civility puts you in the position of role model. As the saying goes, you can’t be a leader if no one wants to follow you. And seeing how you respond to incivility helps your staff understand how to respond in similar situations.
There’s nothing wrong with being prescriptive when it helps build the kind of environment and culture we want.
Always remember: The best response to incivility is civility. As you heighten your awareness of civility, it will help you be your best. And that’s someone whom others want to follow.
